Happiness. We all want it, but how do we get it?

I am not the happiest person. In fact, writing this article caused quite a bit of stress which, of course, contributes to unhappiness. And, I'm not sure that I even like the concept of happiness. It is an unachievable, vague idea. We all want to be happy, but do we really know what it will look like once we get there? But, I do try to be happy. And, over the course of my career as a therapist, I've given a lot of thought about what it takes to be happier. But, before I begin, I'd like to clarify that unhappiness is not the same as anxiety or depression which are conditions rooted in chemical imbalances in the brain. However, I think research and experience treating anxiety and depression can provide some insight into how to be happier.

Gratitude

I think the first step to being happier is to be thankful for what you have. What's that old expression, "You can never be thin enough or rich enough?" But there is always going to be someone richer and thinner than you. Instead, be grateful for all that you do have. And, you never know what is going on behind closed doors. We all hear this, but it didn't resonate with me until a few years ago when the husband of a friend - who I secretly envied for her big house, nice car, and trendy clothes - committed suicide. I thought they had it all when in fact they didn't have what was most important.

Perspective

I’m a strong believer that negativity breeds more negativity. On the other hand, if you look for the positive in life, you will find more of that. It’s not always easy, but it’s there.

Step away from Social Media

I have quit Facebook. I'm back on, but I’ve limited my friends to people I’m actually friends with. My criteria was whether or not I had someone’s cellphone number. I figured if I didn’t have your cell phone number, we weren’t really friends. Even still I feel bad when I see my friends “checking in” somewhere together and I wasn’t invited. Furthermore, people only post when things are good giving a false impression of life. I’ve seen posts such as “Anniversary dinner with my amazing husband and best friend.” But, where are the posts, “Darling husband is a dead man if he doesn’t learn to pick up his dirty clothes?"

While you’re at it, get off the internet

I'm embarrassed to admit how many hours of my life I've wasted browsing the internet for cars I can't afford and houses I'm never going to move to while my children have played by themselves or worse, watched tv. These are precious moments that I have squandered while mindlessly lusting after material things I can't have and don't even need.

Meditation

I'm totally into meditation. I drill it into my clients, but I have very few takers. I don't understand why we seem so unwilling to sit for a few minutes and quiet our thoughts but we will sit for hours in front of a screen. Meditation does not have to be sitting for an hour with your legs crossed chanting Om. Research shows that all you need is five minutes a day of quieting the mind to have profound effect on your mental wellbeing and even your physical health.

In its simplest form, to meditate sit comfortably and focus on your breath. Really try to feel the breath moving in and out. Most importantly, every time you get lost in thought - which you will - gently return your mind to your breath. As meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg has said, "Beginning again and again is the actual practice, not a problem to overcome so that one day we can come to the 'real' meditation."

Mindfulness

Although related, mindfulness and meditation are not the same things. Mindfulness is being fully present in your action (or inaction). You can be mindful in meditation, but you can also be mindful washing the dishes or playing with the kids. It’s about being present in the present. We all spend a lot of time worrying about things in the past that we can’t change and things in the future which may not even happen. But right now, this moment here, is what really matters. Focusing on that contributes to improved wellbeing.

Diet and Exercise

Eat a diet rich in plant based food like fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds and limit processed foods and added sugar. As yummy as chocolate cake is, don't you feel better after you eat a balanced meal with colorful fruits and vegetables? Science now supports this showing that sugar consumption is associated with depression. Additionally, a diet low in Omega 3 Fatty Acids has been correlated with increased depression. Omega 3’s can be found in fish and flaxseed oils.

Exercise stimulates the production of endorphins, one of the brain's feel good chemicals. And, if you can, exercise outdoors. We are meant to be outdoors with the grass between our toes and the sun on our face.

In the end, I think it comes down to choice. Do you want to be happy or not? A friend lost a son many years ago. She seems to have gone on to live a relatively happy life. I asked her what was her secret and she said that she could either choose to be miserable the rest of her life or she could choose to move on. While she still deeply misses her son, she has found happiness in being with the people she loves and doing the things she enjoys. We have one shot at this life, what are you going to do with it?